Even Harder Times

Just when I thought I was doing well...

Basically, here's the gist of it:
- I can't buy a car without a car loan.
- I can't get a car loan because I don't make enough money, so I need a cosigner.
- My parents live in Spokane, and they can't cosign.
- My having a car dictates whether I stay on praise, or go to church for that matter, for the summer.
- My parents did not know the parent loans didn't disperse until September.
- I can't move into my new place because I don't have enough money.
- I can't stay in school this quarter because I'm not taking full-time, and I don't have enough money.
- No one will hire me because my job qualifications suck ass.

By the end of June, I will have no car, no housing, no school, and no chance.

Fuck me.

Hard Times

I think that right now, this point in my life is the worst of the worst.

- My dreams were shattered after I found out that I couldn't get into the School of Music at UW. (I'm still picking up those pieces.)
- Financial Crisis 2008
- I find out my parents can't sell the house because of said financial crisis.
- My job, although I'm thankful for, is not paying enough.
- My apartment managers screw up with my rent, ending up routing the check somewhere else. They say to take off $10 when for me, it costs $15. On top of that, I ended up stopping payment three times by accident because I didn't know what I was doing, ending up charging myself $45.
- I got swindled out of my projector, which I should've received at least $300, but I ended up with anger.
- My computer parts keep breaking down on me.
- I can't find a second job.
- I can't fly home or take a Greyhound because of inclement weather and no money.
- I don't hang out with anyone because my life is just as busy as theirs (which is the excuse I'll be using from hereon in).
- My mom doesn't want to find a job, simply relies on prayer.
- My dad is about to lose his job.
- My sister needs to get into a college.
- I have to sell my possessions to pay for my new things and just to get by.
- I would love to go out with my friends, but I end up staying home because I can't afford to go.

Above all, what I can't understand is why everyone else is doing much better off than I am. Why am I the one that's suffering? Why do I feel like I am a scapegoat for everyone's problems and hurts?

I feel like the position that I'm in is affecting how my relationships turn out. I can't seem to find a single person who can honestly, fully understand my situation, which in turn makes me feel isolated, alienated. No one understands, so no one can really help. I am getting nowhere, while everyone else is moving forward. If anything, I'm receding, falling backwards with no safety net.

My friend said that this is the time when my faith will be tested. I can honestly say that my faith is hanging on its last threads, but I'm hoping those threads are made of steel.

Time for a Change

I love this song by Hank Levy.  It's a difficult jazz tune to play, but if played well, it sounds so good.  It's like the sky turning different shades of red and blue to signal the sunset, like a good cone of ice cream, or like if Princess Diana came back to life.  (Well, maybe not the last one.)

I love this song cause it means to break away from the norm of society.  While jazz is a pretty big step away from the popular music, this tune steps away from jazz and pop music even more by using an unusual time signature, long flowing melodies, etc.  Man, if I could go back for a day to high school jazz, this is one of the many songs I would love to play again.

Death

I don't think I'd really care if I died. I know a couple people would, which wouldn't really make a difference, in my opinion. I mean, my birthday did contradict that previous statement, but what's one birthday really? Are people going to keep tabs on you even after you turn 20? 30? 50?

There's only two things I want before I die:
1) Leave a paper trail of music for musicians to find, perform, and distribute. And I'm talking a long trail.
2) I want to know that all God's people are safe and saved.

Why am I even talking about death? Well, I've been highly considering the value of my life, which, in retrospect, isn't worth squat to me. If I die, let me at least do it knowing that I am protecting people from others or even themselves. That's why I'm highly considering military service: to go fight and die for my country and people. It says it in the Bible during the first three Gospels, but I chose Luke for the sake of clarity:

"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."
- Luke 17:33